Rant Of A Depressed Zombie
I still don’t know how to continue this ramble, purposeless rant.
It is the self-expression, an outlet to my self sabotaging thoughts, which need eruption or they will damage my brain nerves.
I don’t know from where to start, but here is what I am/ feel, and do
- 24.
- Unhappy, but not desperate.
- Lost, confused;
- Seeking attention from others because I don’t know how to value myself;
- Looped in a vicious circle of looking for happiness but getting frustrated because I never see it;
- Google searching “Methods to commit painless suicide”
- Trying to control my suicidal ideations every now and then;
- Trying to find peace in religion, putting more faith in idols than in own potential.
From feeling electrifying creative surge at somedays to being absolutely blank headed to the extent of being considered an absolute lunatic and living dead;
This polar shift of emotions has made me an emotional roller coaster.
I never settle down to a generalized state, which I fear does not exist in my psyche.
No love/happiness is unconditional:
The people I love the most want to see me happy, not because I want to be happy, but they do.
They love me.
They have expectations for me.
Their expectations, Their happiness=My happiness.
Their love has never been unconditional. No love is. Even religion hates you if you don’t bow to almighty or beg to differ.
We live in a world where people don’t know the difference between dogmas and reality.
My family’s love has always been proportional to the size of my achievements, and to the degree, I could satisfy their expectations.
Still, this world, your loved ones want you to be happy. No one respects and cares about your dreams and aims and hence, your individuality.
I ignore social gatherings because I can not laugh and smile at what rest of the world does. I can’t fake smiles for their sake. People who do may like it, but I do not, and that’s my choice to avoid what I do not like.
I can’t fake; still, I expect attention and love. Every human being does.
This unconditional love theory has plagued my self-esteem.
I don’t consider myself worthy of love. I don’t love myself enough. How can I expect someone to love me back?
We live in a world of brainwashed zombies who call themselves humans
But in this world full of masks, it is not easy to identify worthy of seeking love from.
People try to find happiness in things. How can you find love in something that can’t love you back? An item that cannot breathe or feel your love and joy.
We like things that abandon us when we can’t possess them.
Love an animal, it will love you back unconditionally.
I just can’t.
I fear too much, and I have given up all the hope already.
Oblivion allures me. Oblivion hypnotizes me, draws me towards itself, though I know its void.
My obsession with nothingness is lethal. But most of the world we live in and my life is lifeless.
More than 90% of the population is brainwashed; brainwashed to forget their individuality, value shitty things over their sense of purposefulness and lead a life of self-preservation. We call ourselves the superior race, yet we are the only species who pay for a living.
I could only find happiness when I made others happy. These occasions have been rare, but most beautiful feelings in this world are limited, and that is their beauty.
We devalue disappointment, anguish, and agony, but having been through them, I have reached a conclusion that they make our lives valuable.
They are reality checks that we need often. I find my happiness when I help people find their way out of their agony.
This world needs more empathy than sympathy. We need to respect our intuitive mind and realize again that we have become slaves to our rational minds.
We do not need hope or motivation, we need empathetic actions.
Hope and motivation will be the byproduct of these actions.
Feed a poor.
Give shelter to an animal that needs it.
Teach abled poor to make their living, and above all, learn to respect and love living creatures, you would set yourself on the path of self-discovery and self-love.